Lindsay Lohan: Keep On Thuggin’

Despite being confined to the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, California, Lindsay Lohan continues her career of crime. Our music industry gossip mill sources tell us that on Sunday morning, Lohan assaulted a fellow inmate in a dispute. Eyewitnesses say that Lohan and the unnamed victim were seen arguing over the possession of a bottle of Evian in the prison’s exercise yard shortly before Lohan attacked the other with a sharpened toothbrush. The victim is currently in critical condition at Lynwood’s St. Francis Medical Center.

“We all scoffed when we heard Lindsay was coming in, but she’s more hardcore than we thought she’d be,” said an inmate witness who declined to be named. “I used to run drugs through Mexico and I’ve seen a few things, but nothing like her. She looks like something that fell off the back of a Harley doing a deuce down Route 66, and that voice… dear god, that voice. How old is she, anyway?”

Lohan's dealer, Vinnie 'The Squid' Carpenzo, smuggles a kilo of Tenochtitlan Gold heroin in his colon during a conjugal visit with Ms. Lohan on Saturday.
Lohan’s dealer, Vinnie ‘The Squid’ Carpenzo, smuggles a kilo of Tenochtitlan Gold heroin in his colon during his visit with Ms. Lohan on Saturday.

Luckily for Lohan, her team of lawyers, led by Frederick Weinberg, is working around the clock to have Lohan released early. “We’re aiming for at least a sanitarium transfer until we can appeal the charges formally,” Weinberg said in a statement today. “But Ms. Lohan has to be released soon… before anyone else gets hurt.”

Today’s conflict marks the third such altercation since Lohan’s prison stint began on July 20th, following a Friday incident in which she viciously attacked a warden during a cell transfer. Sources say that attack was in response to off-hand criticism of Lohan’s most recent album, 2005’s “A Little More Personal (Raw)”, which was lambasted both critically and commercially. “I don’t think that guy’s ever going to walk again,” a witness said. “She’s raw, all right. She’s a mean girl.”