At a certain age you have a lot of old vintage friends, newer friends and a few brand new friends. If you are well balanced and good at interpersonal relationships, your largest circle is old friends. Your old friend mix is not just childhood friends but it’s old co-workers, ex-boyfriends, neighbors from past apartments or people you have met on your travels.
If you are one of my old, newer or brand spanking new friends you know already that I have a large filter for the crazy, the marginal and the unique. What I look for most in friendships is INTEGRITY. How people treat others, not just me. I can’t have a friend who is uniquely cool with me but treats their friends like shit, that person is bound to bite eventually as soon as you get a little too happy for their comfort zone. So what are you waiting for? Get our your scissors and do some cutting loose!
Remember that humans are flawed creatures, so just because someone is in a bad place doesn’t mean they are a perma troll.. Ask yourself if you feel mostly empowered by them or not before getting snippy. You can also choose to take a vacation from them and revisit the relationship in the future.
1- The never-ending favor
This friend is sneaky and needy. At first, you will not notice that they seem to need an unusual amount of help. They will almost always be investing in helping you in the early stages by doing small things that do not require much time or effort. The hope is to turn this stock into a bank of outrageous favors like hosting their friends in-town for a month, storing giant pieces of furniture in your place etc.. early warning signs: being too helpful with you while being in the future stages with their closer friends already.
2- The Negatron
Rain or shine, this friend seems to always come with their cloud. This is not a friend who has recently had a break-up or is suffering from temporary bi-polar shifts, this is a friend who literally needs a little dark cloud of poor-me in order to survive. They come with a wide range of complains that seem at first, to stem from the outside world: “My boss is such a dick!”, “My friend Jason really fucked me over!”, “My neighbor wont stop playing slayer!” … Always someone else or something ruining their life. Any suggestions for them to cut the negative energy out will be met with a firm impossible NO. They need this cloud, don’t bother trying to be their sun get out of this weather system while you can!
warning signs: complaint-a-thons and a sour little pout.
3- The know-it-all
These people want to be intellectuals but they never will be. Generally, their parents were not intellectuals so they did not grow up knowing the difference. They wish their opinion was requested by panels, discussion clubs, to prove that they are uniquely smart; the only marker of their knowledgeable certification however is themselves insisting how smart they are. You will often hear them piping self-aggradized bouquets like: “Your trainer knows nothing, drink MY protein shake, it has 2 less carbs!” This person will tell you how to raise your kids, how to brush your teeth, who to vote for. Remember, Warning signs: they are an expert in every field, so there is no end to the “knowledge” you will receive from them.
4- The conflict hunter
This friend is not to be confused by women experiencing PMS or anyone who has had too many drinks! The conflict hunter gets surly without any help. They suffer from anxiety disorders and in order to navigate them without the proper medication or meditation, they surf conversations with you when they are in a bad mood looking for opportunities to provoke you or suck you into a debate vortex. They are not interested in agreeing to disagree (this would end the conflict!) or ending the discussion. Facts are not good weapons against them because they are looking for war, not wins. It’s easy to find yourself in an argument you didn’t want with a conflict hunter. If trying to unsubscribe to their argument doesn’t seem to be effective, just go ahead and unsubscribe to the relationship. Warning signs: They will contradict their core values to sustain an argument.
5- The Jealous Judy or Envious Eddy!
This bitter Betty will give you back-handed compliments when good things happen, downgraded statements when great things happen, and smug I told-you-so songs if ever you dare fail. And in-between all the big life events will be jealousing in the form of trying to tear you down with a barrage of criticism disguised as “tough love”, sarcasm and catty comments. As soon as you or another one of their friends gets a little too many good cards in the poker deck of life, out comes the resentful malicious angst set out to destroy. Warning signs: mutual friends and significant others have taken notice.
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